Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Everyone is as the Force made him, and often a good deal worse.


Attn: Darth Sidious, Emperor of the Galactic Empire

Mr. Darth Vader is being treated in my office for a variety of serious injuries. All of his limbs have been severed; he has no hands or feet and must rely on attached cybernetics to perform simple mobility functions. In addition, all of his skin has suffered serious burns, which leaves him in a state of constant agony. His lungs have also been scorched and he requires a breathing apparatus to inhale and exhale. Without vocal aids, he can only speak with great difficulty. Many of his damaged internal organs have been removed and replaced by regulated computer systems. Additionally, his spine is incomplete and is supported by a series of artificial structural inserts, including several around his upper vertebrae to support the weight of head. He cannot rotate his head more than forty-five degrees in any direction. His bodily waste systems are no longer under his direct control and he must always be equipped with a liquid-recycling catheter and a regularly-emptied collection bag.

Mr. Darth Vader's senses have also been irreparably damaged and, in some cases, entirely lost. Due to his burn injuries, his eyes are severely damaged and need to covered at all times. He cannot see properly without the use of optical sensors. His eardrums are completely gone and he relies on the use of soundwave receptor implants. He cannot sense light touches on his bare skin due to his damaged nerve endings, but relies on a computerized system to warn him of physical damage to his person. With great effort, he can chew food and, to some small degree, even taste it. However, he most often relies on nutrients that are sent directly into his system intravenously. On a lighter note, his olfactory senses remain mostly unimpeded.

My professional opinion is that Mr. Darth Vader is not fit to perform any of the work duties that he has been assigned. He requires constant supervision, daily medical attention, and regular maintenance and cleaning for his cybernetics. Despite all of his technology, he simply cannot function as a normal human being. He is like some sort of walking metaphor for lost humanity. Mr. Darth Vader must be relieved of duty as soon as possible to ensure that he receives proper care.

I appreciate your consideration for my professional opinion.


Jesse Doctor, M.D.