Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Bristled Presidential Physiognomy, Part 2: A Beard Divided Cannot Fail

Of all bearded presidents, perhaps none are more legendary than Abraham Lincoln. Unlike most presidential facial hair, Lincoln's beard (known as Abeard Mire) crept onto his face only a short time before Abraham became the Commander in Chief, during his time as President-Elect. Although Lincoln was aware of Abeard's existence since his childhood, the two remained at an awkward distance because of an unfortunate mutual association. For you see, Abeard's evil twin, Mulder "The Unpasteurized" Mire murdered Abraham's mother when the would-be president was only a boy. Yes, Abeard was actually dairy mold and thus not actually a true hair-beard. However, America is built upon stories of individuals who defy the impossible to become successful and the path of Abeard's rise to prominence was one such tale.

The Mire twins' alleged birthplace, a lesser known Kentucky tourist trap.

Abeard Mire was born in a humble milk container in late September of 1818. His conjoined twin brother, Mulder, was always pushing Abeard to join in pranks and general mischief, the kind of hijinks that earned Mulder the callow nickname "The Unpasteurized" in the milk bottle's mold community. However, Abeard was a gentle soul and soon ignored his attached brother altogether. Enraged at this treatment, Mulder detached from his twin and ventured to the perilous Bottle Mouth Sinkhole, a place few traveled because of the local legends surrounding the area. The furious mold vowed to "strike down any who shall impede my journey to become the most fearless and feared mold of all" and subsequently tumbled into a glass that was held firmly in the grip of Nancy Hanks Lincoln, mother of the future sixteenth president.

In the following days, Mulder furiously attempted to escape Nancy's digestive tract, fatally harming her in the process. The wayward mold eventually rode his way out on a vomit wave, only to be shocked to discover that he had been trapped inside of a large organism. "If I can destroy this massive creature, surely I will be able to vanquish all of them! This shall be my new purpose in life!" exclaimed Mulder's mind, which was transmitted through the psychic link that the Unpasteurized shared with his twin. Abeard, who had been safely residing in the bottom of the unfinished milk bottle, knew then and there that his disturbed brother must be stopped.

Abeard steeled himself and made the long trek to the world beyond the bottle. For what seemed like an eternity, the young traveler wandered the unknown expanse in search of someone, something to warn about the impending moldoom. Tired and out of his depth, Abeard was on the verge of giving up all hope when he was discovered by the curious sight of none other than young Abraham Lincoln. The ensuing coversation was as follows:

"What manner of creature have I stumbled upon in my grief-stricken ambling?"

"I am a mold, called Abeard Mire. I have traveled beyond the Bottle Mouth Sinkhole in order carry a warning. The large organisms of your land are imperiled by the murderous intent of my twin brother, Mulder Mire, known as The Unpasteurized. Are you able to assist me in my journey, giant?"

"I am sorry, Abeard, but I cannot, for I am in mourning over the passing of my mother."

"Your mother! That must be the first victim of my brother's atrociousness!"

"Abeard, your words have turned my sorrow to rage. I am called Abraham Lincoln, and I wish for you to help me find this nefarious Mulder Mire! I have an axe to grind."

Young Abraham Lincoln attacking tree mold colonies in his tireless hunt for Mulder Mire.

And so it was that Abeard and Abraham began a partnership that lasted for over a decade. Abeard, attached safely to Abraham's back, guided the skilled axeman with his situationally appropriate psychic twin link, bringing untold amounts of destruction to the mold colonies that harbored The Unpasteurized. However, the psychic twin link was not exclusive to Abeard, as he soon realized that his brother had always fled right before Abraham's axe rained sharp retribution down upon Mulder's safe harbor.

"Abraham, my brother has been using our psychic link against me all this time! I deeply regret that I can no longer join you, but simply point you in the right direction."

"I understand, my steadfast friend. You have aided me in finding my mother's murderer and I am forever in your debt. Once my deed is finished, I urge to one day seek me out and I will try to return the favor."

With this, the two parted ways. Left alone with his thoughts for the first time since before Mulder first psychically transmitted his deleterious quest, Abeard carelessly fell into a deep depression. Then he crawled out of that literal depression and entered a mental depression. He thought of Mulder's victims throughout the years, all of which were misdiagnosed with milk sickness. How could his own twin brother become such a monster, destroying all of those lives? Abeard knew his brother must be punished for his crimes, but he yearned for closure. He entered into a life of solitude, burrowing underground and meditating on his thoughts until he could not avoid facing the issue any longer.

When Abeard reunited with Abraham Lincoln, his old friend had recently won the presidential election of 1860. The old mold asked Abraham to recount the fate of the misguided Mulder.

"I followed your guidance, Abeard, and soon found your malicious brother. After a brief yet taxing battle, Mulder was at the mercy of my righteous axe. The Unpasteurized exclaimed that he was the feared mold in the known world! Then, unexpectedly, with the mold equivalent of tears in the mold equivalent of his eyes, he confessed that his only regret was that he would never see his twin brother, Abeard, ever again. However, he then took comfort in the knowledge that surely all humans feared his moldy wrath. I told him that I was the only human who knew of his serial molding spree and that all of his murders were deemed the result of milk sickness. To this revelatory statement of truth, he replied 'That's not true! That's impossible!' I then proceeded to chop him up into tiny bits and set those bits aflame."

Abeard silently nodded his head in acknowledgment of his brother's fate. Tired and world-weary, he requested to collect upon the favor that Abraham had promised him so long ago. All that he wanted was a place to safely rest and quietly live out his last years. Abraham, with a stroke of genius and a wink in his eye, replied with, "I think a chin cover beard would look quite presidential." Thus, Abeard lived peacefully on Abraham Lincoln's face for the remainder of his life, occasionally providing soothing words of comfort during the troubled times of the sixteenth American president. Abeard Mire passed away quietly and unnoticed shortly before President Lincoln reached Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865.

Pictured: Left, Abraham Lincoln as a rising politician and retired mold tracker. Right, Abraham Lincoln sharing a hilarious inside joke with his old friend, Abeard Mire.