The Bristled Presidential Physiognomy, Part 2: A Beard Divided Cannot Fail

Of all bearded presidents, perhaps none are more legendary than Abraham Lincoln. Unlike most presidential facial hair, Lincoln's beard (known as Abeard Mire) crept onto his face only a short time before Abraham became the Commander in Chief, during his time as President-Elect. Although Lincoln was aware of Abeard's existence since his childhood, the two remained at an awkward distance because of an unfortunate mutual association. For you see, Abeard's evil twin, Mulder "The Unpasteurized" Mire murdered Abraham's mother when the would-be president was only a boy. Yes, Abeard was actually dairy mold and thus not actually a true hair-beard. However, America is built upon stories of individuals who defy the impossible to become successful and the path of Abeard's rise to prominence was one such tale.

The Mire twins' alleged birthplace, a lesser known Kentucky tourist trap.

Abeard Mire was born in a humble milk container in late September of 1818. His conjoined twin brother, Mulder, was always pushing Abeard to join in pranks and general mischief, the kind of hijinks that earned Mulder the callow nickname "The Unpasteurized" in the milk bottle's mold community. However, Abeard was a gentle soul and soon ignored his attached brother altogether. Enraged at this treatment, Mulder detached from his twin and ventured to the perilous Bottle Mouth Sinkhole, a place few traveled because of the local legends surrounding the area. The furious mold vowed to "strike down any who shall impede my journey to become the most fearless and feared mold of all" and subsequently tumbled into a glass that was held firmly in the grip of Nancy Hanks Lincoln, mother of the future sixteenth president.

In the following days, Mulder furiously attempted to escape Nancy's digestive tract, fatally harming her in the process. The wayward mold eventually rode his way out on a vomit wave, only to be shocked to discover that he had been trapped inside of a large organism. "If I can destroy this massive creature, surely I will be able to vanquish all of them! This shall be my new purpose in life!" exclaimed Mulder's mind, which was transmitted through the psychic link that the Unpasteurized shared with his twin. Abeard, who had been safely residing in the bottom of the unfinished milk bottle, knew then and there that his disturbed brother must be stopped.

Abeard steeled himself and made the long trek to the world beyond the bottle. For what seemed like an eternity, the young traveler wandered the unknown expanse in search of someone, something to warn about the impending moldoom. Tired and out of his depth, Abeard was on the verge of giving up all hope when he was discovered by the curious sight of none other than young Abraham Lincoln. The ensuing coversation was as follows:

"What manner of creature have I stumbled upon in my grief-stricken ambling?"

"I am a mold, called Abeard Mire. I have traveled beyond the Bottle Mouth Sinkhole in order carry a warning. The large organisms of your land are imperiled by the murderous intent of my twin brother, Mulder Mire, known as The Unpasteurized. Are you able to assist me in my journey, giant?"

"I am sorry, Abeard, but I cannot, for I am in mourning over the passing of my mother."

"Your mother! That must be the first victim of my brother's atrociousness!"

"Abeard, your words have turned my sorrow to rage. I am called Abraham Lincoln, and I wish for you to help me find this nefarious Mulder Mire! I have an axe to grind."

Young Abraham Lincoln attacking tree mold colonies in his tireless hunt for Mulder Mire.

And so it was that Abeard and Abraham began a partnership that lasted for over a decade. Abeard, attached safely to Abraham's back, guided the skilled axeman with his situationally appropriate psychic twin link, bringing untold amounts of destruction to the mold colonies that harbored The Unpasteurized. However, the psychic twin link was not exclusive to Abeard, as he soon realized that his brother had always fled right before Abraham's axe rained sharp retribution down upon Mulder's safe harbor.

"Abraham, my brother has been using our psychic link against me all this time! I deeply regret that I can no longer join you, but simply point you in the right direction."

"I understand, my steadfast friend. You have aided me in finding my mother's murderer and I am forever in your debt. Once my deed is finished, I urge to one day seek me out and I will try to return the favor."

With this, the two parted ways. Left alone with his thoughts for the first time since before Mulder first psychically transmitted his deleterious quest, Abeard carelessly fell into a deep depression. Then he crawled out of that literal depression and entered a mental depression. He thought of Mulder's victims throughout the years, all of which were misdiagnosed with milk sickness. How could his own twin brother become such a monster, destroying all of those lives? Abeard knew his brother must be punished for his crimes, but he yearned for closure. He entered into a life of solitude, burrowing underground and meditating on his thoughts until he could not avoid facing the issue any longer.

When Abeard reunited with Abraham Lincoln, his old friend had recently won the presidential election of 1860. The old mold asked Abraham to recount the fate of the misguided Mulder.

"I followed your guidance, Abeard, and soon found your malicious brother. After a brief yet taxing battle, Mulder was at the mercy of my righteous axe. The Unpasteurized exclaimed that he was the feared mold in the known world! Then, unexpectedly, with the mold equivalent of tears in the mold equivalent of his eyes, he confessed that his only regret was that he would never see his twin brother, Abeard, ever again. However, he then took comfort in the knowledge that surely all humans feared his moldy wrath. I told him that I was the only human who knew of his serial molding spree and that all of his murders were deemed the result of milk sickness. To this revelatory statement of truth, he replied 'That's not true! That's impossible!' I then proceeded to chop him up into tiny bits and set those bits aflame."

Abeard silently nodded his head in acknowledgment of his brother's fate. Tired and world-weary, he requested to collect upon the favor that Abraham had promised him so long ago. All that he wanted was a place to safely rest and quietly live out his last years. Abraham, with a stroke of genius and a wink in his eye, replied with, "I think a chin cover beard would look quite presidential." Thus, Abeard lived peacefully on Abraham Lincoln's face for the remainder of his life, occasionally providing soothing words of comfort during the troubled times of the sixteenth American president. Abeard Mire passed away quietly and unnoticed shortly before President Lincoln reached Ford's Theatre on April 14, 1865.

Pictured: Left, Abraham Lincoln as a rising politician and retired mold tracker. Right, Abraham Lincoln sharing a hilarious inside joke with his old friend, Abeard Mire.

The Bristled Presidential Physiognomy, Part 1: O' Wooly Pioneer

There are few things that lift my spirits on glum days more than the sight of excellent presidential facial hair. Sadly, Washington political culture has long since abandoned the acceptance of grizzly executive maws. I consider such relinquishment to be an incredible loss for the Spirit of America, which likely cries out in sorrowful howls for the days when our handsomest male politicians could openly sport a goat without instantly being labeled a Marxist. The course of presidential facial hair is an interesting one, and it all started with the fuzzy, delicious muttonchops of Martin Van Buren. (If you thought, "What about J.Q. Adams' sideburns?" then you should slap yourself. Every professional historian knows that those were both pitiful and fake.)

Star-Spangled Sideburns

This former Secretary of State, Vice-President to Andrew Jackson, and 8th American President was an impressive political figure in his time, but let's skip all that and focus on what his Wampa Paws achieved for the United States and its people. Because he was a widower during his tenure as VP, Martin's facial hair was dubbed "Hannah's Eaton-Your-Head" after his late wife Hannah and the era's most controversial social figure, Peggy Eaton. Upon assuming the face of the presidency in 1837, the "Little Magician's" "Big Enchantments" solved the Panic of 1837 of their own free will through sheer intimidation. The so-called "most terrifying crisis of the time" shrunk back into the speculative minds that created it, cowering at the frightening sight of two disembodied velutinous monstrosities charging into the Second Bank of the United States with horrifying glares in its nonexistent eyes. This legendary act of bravery and surprising sentience cemented the Executive Fluff as a popular folk hero.

Advising President Van Buren, Martin's Muttons crafted a series of lower tariffs and even convinced the commander-in-chief to engage in diplomacy with Mexico instead of armed conflict. Although the Sensational Sideburns protested, Van Buren continued Andrew Jackson's genocidal Indian Policy and the president presided over the continuation of the Trail of Tears as well as the carrying-on of the Second Seminole War. Disapproving but undyingly loyal, Hannah's Eaton-Your-Head stayed with Martin until the end of his term in 1841, after which the two parted ways. Van Buren replaced his facial hair with bushels of tangible sadness during his 1848 third-party presidential bid, although these frizzy impressions proved to be less politically adept than his former cranium companion. While the 8th president was blamed in his time for the nation's economic problems, his facial hair remained popular with the voting public despite its retirement from political life. Because hair is immortal, these particular facial adornments now live in Hollywood where it is the most famous hair-acter actor of the silver screen, most notably for its work as Wolverine's feral fuzz in the X-Men films. Truly, this 'Chops-in-Chief was a trailblazer for all future presidential facial hair.

"I stood as a bright light for the nation in dark times and now I sleep on piles of Andrew Jackson's face." - Hannah's Eaton-Your-Head, 2009.

Zachary Taylor and the Goblet of Milk & Cherries

Zachary Taylor was the only U.S. president to have lived in the state of Louisiana. While the average American citizen probably has no idea about who he was, it is interesting to note that this will not affect their lives at all. Why is this? Well, Zachary Taylor is one of the most uninteresting people to sit in the Oval Office. He was the twelth president of the United States, and no one cares. I find all of this to be tremendously hilarious. In an attempt to make him at least a little bit entertaining to the layperson, I will briefly go over a few amusing facets of his presidential life.

Taylor's pre-presidential life is where most of his appeal comes from. He served in the Army for forty years, and rose to be a prominent general. He even earned the nickname "Old Rough and Ready" during the Seminole Indian War, which clearly denotes youthful vigor, fun-loving personality, and laid-back attitude. Taylor was quite possibly the most important American field commander in the Mexican-American War. In fact, President James K. Polk removed him from the field because he was way too successful and newspapers hyped him a possible future president. However, since that is already interesting, I will completely avoid talking about the details.

Taylor was the least political president in our nation's history. His personal political beliefs basically amounted to "I do not know, nor do I really care." Taylor had not held public office of any kind before becoming president. He was essentially just a 'War Hero' figurehead for the Whig Party that payed off during the 1848 election. He had no idea that he had been elected for several days. Walking to the local post office to find out if he had won was something he procrastinated over for a few days. I guess there were more important things going on in his life that were more of a priority than holding the highest office in the country.

Pictured: An arguably fun guy who may or may not have had a sense of humor.
Being a wealthy Southerner, Old Rough and Ready owned over one hundred slaves. However, this did not prevent him from opposing slavery expansion into new states. How did this happen? A slim majority of the Whig Party opposed slavery, and Taylor just went along with what they requested of him.

Zachary Taylor's personal cavalry horse was named Old Whitey. (Racism!) When Taylor became president, the horse lived and grazed on the White House lawn, becoming a popular tourist attraction. You know that you really need to improve your public image when your elderly horse, who routinely defecates in front of one of the most prestigious buildings in the world, is way more popular than you are.

Zachary's wife, Margaret Taylor, was something of a shut-in and spent most of her time as First Lady alone in her quarters. While she fervently supported her husband's military career, she absolutely hated the fact that her husband was the president and actively objected to his political endeavors.

Probably the single most interesting thing about Zachary Taylor's presidency is its abrupt end. Taylor's mortal demise remains the most ridiculous presidential death of all time. While at an Independence Day soirée, he consumed a bit too many cherries and a bit too much milk. This made him ill and he developed gastroenteritis. He died halfway through his first term, making way for the second-least interesting president, Millard Fillmore.

Pictured: DEATH.
I hope that reading these facts has been an enlightening foray into the dull life of America's most mundane leader. As for myself, I believe that I have successfully divulged some of the truly useless information on esoteric subjects that I have acquired over the years, which is gratifying on a personal level. I sincerely hope that none of the information presented here is of any use to anyone.